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Tony Dong

A Humorous View on the American Revolution

Where The Heck Did They Come From, And Who The Heck Do They Think They Are?

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The Cause: The Cause was pretty much due to tea, ideas from an French philisophe with a funny name, trigger-happy rednecks/redcoats, greedy Englishmen, and a broken sliding door at the local Wal-Mart. 


The British (we'll call them rednecks/redcoats, because of their ridiculous red uniforms), grew tired of pillaging,converting and raping and killing the people of the new world colonies. They were in huge debt as War costs a lot of money, and they were fighting several wars at the moment, So, they decided to impose ridiculous taxes on the 'Americans', such as taxes on tea, The Stamp Act, The Sugar Act, etc... As you can imagine, the colonists were more pissed off than the world when Bush was presidant again. It didnt help that they were reading the writings of Rousseau, whose 'Social Contract", gave them the idea that they could overthrow King George if he was a tyrant. To the Americans, the Rednecks were becoming increasingly corrupt and hostile of their interests, while forgetting the fact that if it wasn't for the British, they would not be here. They felt that they were not being given enough recognition in the British Parliment, and that they shouldn't be represented by Britan, and that they should have their own say in matters of great consequence. If they weren't represented, why in gods name should they get taxed? (who would? the whole system is B.S). Americans thought: "England is a tiny island. Why should they rule over us, a MASSIVE continent?" In order to protest against the Tea Tax, the Sons of Liberty (we'll call them terrorists for now) started to cover tax collectors in hot tar, and covering them in feathers. This caused widespread fear across the country. Join or die, that was their motto against the British and helping to secure independance through making fear and terrorizing the colonies. So much for fighting against tyranny. So much for the war on terrorism today. How is giving someone 3rd degree burns a good way to protest against tyranny? Americans can't even open a door, unless its a sliding one at Wal-Mart. Then one day, the terrorists were staging a protest. Some rednecks/redcoats thought: 'hey, wouldnt it be nice to shoot them?'. They fired, killing 5 in total, and wounding 11. In typical Americanism, the terrorists yelled "MASSACRE!!!!" THIS IS MADNESS!!!! THIS IS SPARTA!!!". They protested, by dumping tea into a harbor while dressed up as Native Americans, mainly the Mowhawk tribe. Propaganda (Boston "Massacre") proved to be a effective way to make the British look bad and to get more people on the side of the colonists. Publicity stunts are a specialty of Americans. Look at Balloon Boy. This all led up to the one event that started this......can we call it a country? Ok, the sdjfhslakdjfhsjdf that is currently south of Vancouver, B.C today.


  • Ideas. You cannot stage a revolution without new ideas to act on. The whole purpose of a revolution is to kill the old and bring in the new. New what? New ideas, values, beliefs.

  • The British did not win the people's hearts. Nobody likes getting stupid taxes. Nobody like getting left in the dark, with no say in matters of consequence. People start to talk amongst themselves. They'll rebel. To win co-operation, and set foothold in a new place, you must appeal to the peoples interest and what they want reasonably. If the British simply gave the Americans some freedom, and independance, none of this would have happened. No riots, no Tea Party, nothing! The British failed to do this for the Americans. Ironically enough, the Americans today are failing for the same reasons in Afghanistan and Iraq.

  • Liberty. Freedom. Freedom from taxes. Freedom from the British! No Gods, No Masters. Everybody is equal. The idea of a republic, a haven, a place where man was safe from persecution, and was allowed to pursue happiness and freedom. This is the founding concept of America. But, only MAN can do these. Slaves, Blacks, and Women were blantantly excluded from these privileges. Which is why the system is dying today.

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The early concept of what the world was like, according to our founding fathers. Keep in mind that Commies, and bombs had not yet existed.


 

The 7 Years War: Now how the heck did those dirt-farmers win this war? Through rifles, extremly visable British commanders, and a lack of a capital for the British to attack.


War. War never changes. Or does it? I dunno. America seems to wage a awful lot of wars though. There is a (short) list bellow.

  • War On Terrorism (Sure. to combat violence you shoot people. people can totally see the logic there)
  • War On Iraq and Afghanistan (Yea, it was bad enough without you guys there already)
  • War On Drugs (Drugs are bayuuuud. If you do drugs you're bayuuud)
  • War on Obesity (HAHAHAHA)
  • War On Wars (wtf?)
  • War On Peace (WTF???)
The war started at Lexington and Concord, when a (probably) drunk man thought: "Hey, i wonder what shooting a gun feels like". At the time the Bristish Redcoats were lining up in their formations. The man decided to say hi to them, by SHOOTING at them. This turned a armed stand-off into a "Battle". The Minutemen, colonist soldiers, completley booked it. However, they managed to salvage some of their pride by luring the British Regulars to a bridge, and in typical American bravery, ambushed them out of the woods, and took out 3 companies of British Regulars. I thought the Americans always condemmed guerellia warfare. The Americans took this tactic to heart, shooting 2 rounds at the Bristish lines....before booking it. They also used their hunting rifles to shoot British commanders dead. This was especially effective seeing as the commanding officers often wore birght, totally noticable uniforms, and rode on horses, standing out above everybody else. They could have just ran naked out with a sign on them saying "please snipe right here". That would have saved the hassle of clean-up and would have been a source of entertainment. It didnt help that it took 3 months to replace the commander who was killed. They didn't have a that long of a lifespan. The British also had no specific target for them to attack. there was no capital city, so there were no decisive victories. In the end, England was running low on money, and heavily in debt. So instead of being "driven out" as the Americans say, they simply signed a peace treaty and withdrew from the area. Plus, nobody liked the English. Who wants to help a bunch of sissys that drink tea and wear ridiculous red uniforms? France and Spain ended up helping America.

  • The Americans took guerilla warfare to heart. Guerilliea warfare is a great way to instill fear and destroy morale in the enemy, as well as being a effective way to fight when you are outnumbered and out performed. It levels the playing ground giving a vastly weak force a fighting chance.

  • The Americans were also helped by the Spanish and French. Both leant financial support. Furthermore, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, giving Spain, France and America a reason to ally. Because of this, Britan was simply overwhelmed by the amount of support that Americans had and deemed that ending the revolution was a lost cause.

  • The Americans lacked a capital city for the British to capture. In England, if you captured London, you win. Not so in America. the disorginization in the colonies had the advantage that if the British captured one, it did not mean a decisive victory for them, as they had little influence over each other. It is like trying to capture every grain of sand in a beach. Too many, and some will slip from your grasp.

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 A (mostly) accurate portrayal of the battles that occured during the American Revolution. Master Chief is crossing the Delaware in the photo above.



The United States Today: Now what do all these wars and shenanigans have to do with this war-mongering place? Everything.


The United States broke away from the evil Imperialism of Britan. She developed her own ideals, culture, and philosophies and fast-food resturants. Even though America is diverse, the country still leans towards assimilation, unlike Canada, which promotes multiculturalism. The very idea that a tiny nation could seceed from a world power shocked the world, and gave those dammed Americans the idea that they were entitled to anything and everything, including freedom, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and free coupons at McDonalds. Because of this attitude, America is currently at the top of the world, although China (YEAH!!!) is quickly catching up. The politcal side of America is a complicated and therefore trecherous one. Politicians like to stab each other in the back, but most of them are too unfit and fat too, so they hire other people to do their dirty work. In a nutshell, the founding fathers decided that a country opposed but yet also supportive to ideas was best, for in case of a bad emergency somewhere in the world, half of America would disagree, while the other half would agree. The art of very discretly contradicting itself would give the illusion of a country with MORALS, and RIGHTS. Keep in mind, their motives were far more sinister, such as using the claims of WMD's in Iraq to invade and occupy. The Untied States are pretty much always at war with itself. Civil War, etc.....Even now the struggle between the Republicans and Democrats is prevalent. On the Imperialism part, the Americans acctually did that to, the very crime they sought to break away from. The occupation of the native territories was such a example. America is a very good example of hipocrisy as well as bullsh*t at the highest level. While America has a few "performance problems" ( I thought you could get something for that over the internet these days?), it is still the most powerful country in the world and wastes no time remiding other nations of that fact.

  • The Untited States, quickly using their values of liberty and freedom, sought to eradicate evil from the world. In fact, they were acctually seeking to expand and consume valuable resources. Due to this, the became very influential in gobal matters, and quckly established a powerful presceance around the world.

  • The people in the nation were indoctrined in the belief of freedom, independancy, liberty, the the entitlement to certain rights. Because of this, Americans are quick to squabble in foriegn matters, because they want to force the country to obey these values too, but accidently causing war in the process. America is a country that tries to take initiative but fails. Good intentions, bad way of acting them out. They never win the hearts of the people they try to help, and they will continuously fail because of this, much like the British.

  • It created a country of hypocrites. This tactic gave the Americans leverage to meddle in affairs and reach a conclusion on matters, while giving the illusion of democracy, and rights. This is a way to fake all the values listed above, without acctually acting them out.


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From the American Revolution to now, we've come a long way. A couple of centuries ago, we had muzzle-loading muskets. Today, we have fully automatic M16-A2's, and Interceptor Body Armor with E-SAPI rifle-grade plates in them, with all the fancy accesories. No wonder we are getting fat.

Until next time folks. Hope you enjoyed this. If you were offended by this, suck it up. Its a satire. If you really took it seriously, you are either Mr.Wightman, or an American.

Tony Dong.